Bearspaw Christian School

BCS and Our Kids

The spring that Kornelia was finishing grade 6 and Erik was finishing grade 2, we heard an advertisement for an 'open house for new students' for Bearspaw Christian School (BCS) on the local Christian radio station.  We thought we'd all go check it out.  On the way, the kids were 'meh' about this idea.  'Why do we have to go look at this school?'  On the way home later that evening though, they were very enthusiastic about the idea of attending there the following year.  So we enrolled them.

Looking back, this was a great experience for them.  They both graduated grade 12 from BCS.  Ewa and I as parents have no regrets we made this decision.  You can read some of their experiences in the following link:  Remembering the Kindness of God in Raising Our Kids

Volunteering

You have been treated generously, so live generously.  

Matthew 10:8b

Parents were required to volunteer some time at the school as part of the commitment in being involved.  For the last 6 years of their time there, I volunteered leading one of the four student worship bands.  This involved weekly practices with the band on Thursday afternoons, and then we'd lead worship for a school chapel once every 4 weeks or so.  I really enjoyed this experience.  I organized Christmas band parties for my team, and end of year picnics, and we lots of fun and interesting experiences in chapels.  

Setting up and sound check for our of our last chapels

Fun Experiences Volunteering

Here's some highlights of volunteering at BCS that I can share now since the students involved are adults:

• An acoustic worship chapel where we had set up an atmosphere like a campfire.  At the end we ramped up the intensity of the songs and everyone was dancing (400 students and teachers) singing Bethel's song 'I've got a River....'.  Looking back, the picture I have in my mind is students and teaching singing, smiling, and busting moves for God.  I was so wrapped up in leading/playing that I had literally strummed the guitar until my fingers bled, and it made a mess of the guitar.  It was definitely a day where God met us.  When I bump into people now who were there that day, they still say 'remember that one acoustic chapel..?'
•  One practice, I had no new songs for the band, but really wanted them to 'go deeper into true worship' with the songs we were playing.  I prayed about this, and God gave me the idea to turn the lights out while we practiced.  The kids knew the songs well enough to play them in the dark.  With the lights off, no one had to worry about what anyone else was doing, and we could really focus on the words we were singing and truly worship.  Again, this turned into a special time - God's presence was there.

Christmas Worship Band party - Using toilet paper
to decorate people like snowmen

The Lost Girl

At the end of my second last year volunteering, I organized a 'year-end worship team picnic' at a nice local park, on the edge of the Bow River.  We had done this the previous year and it was a hit with the kids, so we prepared for 'the sequel.'

The evening arrived and we all met around our designated spot and built a large campfire.  After cooking and eating some hotdogs and chips, we brought out our guitars and sang some worship songs.  Everyone seemed to be having a good time.  Unbeknownst to me, one of the girls had previously had an argument with her mom that day, and decided to 'show her!'  After we had sung some songs, the girl told me she had to leave for the bathroom and I said 'fine.'  But she never came back.  

'Has anyone seen <girl's name> lately?' I asked, getting concerned after what seemed an inordinate amount of time to be gone to the restroom.  No one had.  We started to look for her.  After some time doing this, we called her Mom, and then called the police, as it was getting late.  The police took the issue pretty seriously, and in a short while had 3-4 cruisers at the park AND the police helicopter involved.  By this time I was sweating bullets and doing a lot of earnest praying under my breath and with the family.  

With the police involved, we were drawing some attention from other people passing through the park, and they volunteered to help.  It was probably close to 10pm when one of these people - a fellow on a mountain bike - ended up seeing the girl walk out of the bush at the far end of the park.  He confirmed who she was and then beelined it back to us to inform us she was OK and on her way back.  WHAT A RELEIF!!

When she arrived, I think she was a bit shocked to discover the intensity of searching that had been going on for her, with the police presence and participation.  When everything wrapped up, and we learned that she was 'trying to teach her mom a lesson' (sigh, teenage girls), I drove home VERY thankful to God that she was fine and found.

 Click here for more true stories of God working in my life

Anxiety and Ambition

Ambition

I turned 40 in 2011.  I felt it was a significant age in my life and you can read from this blog post and this journal entry:

Feb 14, 2011

'...Another area where I've been immature in that way is with my ambition and expecting God to 'show me the way and the direction for my life' during an auspicious time of my life (turning 40 for example) I just need to be patient and let god prepare me fir what he has for us. It's not an instant pancake mix.'

I had struggled with determining God's plan and purpose in my life for many years.  At that time I thought that the next 10 years of my life were essentially 'my peak' and I needed to do something with it.  My ambition switched into high gear.  Over the next 10 years I doubled down on work, volunteering, and writing on the side, trying to accomplish something significant.  

Anxiety - Panic Attacks

After several years of this, putting pressure on myself, I started to get panic attacks.  I'd get them in the middle of night, on the bus on the way to work.  I started to get concerned about this, which of course, didn't help, but rather exacerbated the issue.  This carried on for over a year.  Another journal entry:

July 23, 2013

On the bus home yesterday (first day of work after holidays) I started thinking about work and side work and things and started getting very anxious....

I'd even have these anxiety attacks at work!  In fact, one day I actually left work and went to the downtown hospital and asked them to give me an EKG because it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.  Apparently everything looked fine, other than a high heart rate, so they sent me back to work.  At this point I realized that I was probably putting too much pressure on myself and decided to back-off a bit.

What was God Saying?

My interest in God's plan and purpose in my life, along with this 'hiccup' with ambition and anxiety made me 'pay attention' to sermons and verses I was hearing along the same lines.  Verses that stood out to me over the past 18 months or so are:

1 Thessalonians 4:11 "..and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you.."

Micah 6:8  "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

1 Chronicles 4:10  "Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request."

Isaiah 30:15  "In returning to Me and rest you shall be saved, In quietness and confident trust is your strength..."

Phillipians 4:6-7  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

God's message to me?  Stop trying to make things happen on my own.  What I focus on gets larger.  I must trust that God is more than capable to align the people and events in my life with my motivation and experience to accomplish His purpose and plan - whatever that may be - through me.  I need to be obedient, humble, pray, and keep on moving forward, one step at a time.

Fractured Femur!

For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in his dwelling;

He will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27:5

The Accident

The first Friday in May 2013, Kornelia was high-jumping in gym class at school.  She missed the mat on the landing of her jump and came down very hard on her left knee.  15 year old teenage girls can be drama queens at times, and consequently it can be hard to discern how bad an injury is.  Kornelia could not put weight on her leg or walk following this fall in the gym and so she called Ewa to come pick her up.  Ewa had to drive to the gym door and help her into the truck.  

Upon seeing how Kornelia was feeling, Ewa decided to take her to the Children's hospital here in the city to get the knee looked at.  The nurse in triage looked at Kornelia in the wheel chair and had her wait... and wait.  Finally, after a couple of hours(!), Kornelia was taken in for an x-ray and... Surprise!  They found this:

Original x-ray

The nurses apologized profusely for not taking Kornelia's pain concerns more seriously and making her wait so long.  Kornelia ended up staying in the hospital over the weekend as an operation was required to put pins in the bone to stabilize it for healing.  Here's the femur after that surgery with the pins in it.

It took a while for everything to settle after that eventful weekend.  Kornelia ended up finishing school from home that year.  There were many follow up appointments and physio sessions and she had a modified Physical Education class in school the following year.  Eventually another surgery was required to 'shave' the pins as they were protruding from the bone and tearing her ligaments when she walked.  

I went for a short hike recently with Kornelia and she casually mentioned how grateful she was that we had that second surgery done.  Those protruding pins had made extended walking painful, and now with them shaved down she doesn't even think about it anymore!

God's Protection

During the recovery period, Ewa was sharing this whole story with some friends.  One of them had previously served as a paramedic in the US military, and another currently serves as a paramedic with the local health system.  When they heard what had transpired between the accident at school and the final diagnosis at the hospital they were amazed that nothing worse had happened.  They told us that having sharp bone edges moving close to major leg arteries is a recipe for disaster - sever one of those arteries and one can quickly die of blood loss. 

We were thankful for God's protection over Kornelia on her way to the hospital - getting from the gym into the vehicle without a stretcher, then out of the truck and into the hospital safely as well.  We're also grateful for God's provision of good doctors, and good, free healthcare!

On the way home after surgery

Click here for more true stories of God working in my life

Psalm 23 - Part 3 - Restoration and Righteousness

  Often, I don't sleep very well.  I have a hard time getting to sleep, and I regularly wake up in the middle of the night and then have a hard time getting back to sleep.  One of the things I've found recently that helps me get back to sleep is to meditate on different excerpts from the Bible.  I've been rather fixated on the 23rd Psalm for a while (and my success rate of falling asleep after thinking about it has been pretty good), so I thought I'd do a series of posts on my thoughts on it.  This is part 3 of my 'meditations' on Psalm 23.  

He Restores My Soul

'Restore' is an interesting word.  In my mind, the scenario it conjures up is:  a store of something, in this case, whatever a soul stores has been depleted, exhausted, and it gets built back up again.  Re-stored.  Exhausted is another good word.  When I'm tired, no just physically, but combined with all the other ways one can be tired, my outlook on life gets very negative.  I feel depleted, used up, spent, baked, 'done'!  

But God says 'the joy of the Lord is my strength'.  He rejoices over me with singing.  And He restores my soul.  It doesn't often happen in a snap.  Actually, a good sleep is what I need a lot of the time.  There is a lot of truth in the statement 'His mercies are new every morning.'  I can then face another day with a renewed attitude, perspective, and vigour - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  

Update Dec 18, 2023

I recently realized that the restoring mentioned here could also be required because something was lost or taken from you.  The Bible says that the devil comes to '...steal, kill, and destroy...'  

I recently had a situation where I felt like my peace, faith, and trust in a relationship was stolen because of something hurtful that was said directly to me.  As I took time to ponder how this happened and what I could've done differently, I was led to the story of David and Goliath.  When David came to the battlefield to deliver his brothers some food from home, he started asking questions about Goliath.  His oldest brother heard what he was doing and said some pretty mean things, that likely weren't true:

"Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness? 

I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; 

you came down only to watch the battle."

1 Samuel 17:28

I don't know what kind of relationship David had with his older brother.  This didn't seem to phase him too much, so perhaps this had happened a lot in the past?  Certainly the first few times this would've hurt.  David would need to be restored on the inside to get past this.  I mean, generally a younger brother looks up to his older brother, but it seems the respect and love in this sibling relationship has been lost/stolen.

I'm sure there's a deeper meaning to David's phrase '...You restore my soul..' than 'Whew, God - I'm tired.'  I'll know I'll read/think about this differently from now on.

He Leads Me in Paths of Righteousness...

...For His namesake.  Isn't it interesting that God ties his reputation to my direction?  The name of God is one of the massive underlying themes of the Bible - its who He is.  The Israelites had all kinds of names for God to remind themselves of who He is.  A person's name in Biblical times was tied to who they were.  God even changed some people's names to give them a new identity (and a new path?) in life:  Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Israel.  I get a lot of comfort knowing that my direction in life is ultimately guided by God.  If I start to stray, He'll make sure I get back on His path for me.  

When I was younger I used to fret about finding God's will and direction for my life.  I'd get to a point where I'd almost have analysis paralysis trying to discern what God's 'path' for me was.  Now I feel much more secure as I 'commit my way to the Lord..' because '...He will direct my path.'  Prov. 16:3.  Even if I live up to my human nature and get inadvertently distracted or turned around, I can rest assured that God is still in control. Proverbs also says 'Many are the plans of a person's heart, but its the Lord's purpose that prevails.'  God has put His name and reputation on the line as a guarantee.

Another interesting point of note: In the Lord's prayer, Jesus told the disciples to pray '..lead us not into temptation...'  I don't think temptation is a place, but more of a perspective/mind-set.  God intentionally leads us beside still waters, or into valleys of death, and I'm sure a bunch of other curious places.  Because we're human, any of these places has the potential for temptation if we decide to stray away from Him.  Its not difficult to get lazy and complacent beside still waters.  Its easy to fall into despair and depression in valley's of death.  Perhaps Jesus was saying, 'Be aware! Be alert!  The enemy is about, prowling for distracted, sheep whom he can devour.'

November 18, 2023 Update:
I've been thinking more about the concept of 'paths' in association with sheep.  In particular there are several video clips online of a sheep rescued from a ditch that, because there is not dog, or path, or herd to guide it, immediately runs directly back into the ditch.  Paths are important.  They can protect us from hazards like ditches and brambles that we can get caught in (sheep's wool getting stuck in brambles is like velcro).  They show us the way, and not just any 'way', but clearly a way many have gone before.  There is a history there, and that history is important.  The author of the book of Hebrews makes a similar association after finishing their summary of the 'heroes of faith' in Hebrews 11.  The next chapter begins with:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.."
and continuing a bit further down with a reference to Proverbs 4:26:
"So give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways."

Other posts in this series:

• Psalm 23 - Part 1 - The Lord is My Shepherd
• Psalm 23 - Part 2 - Green Pastures and Still Waters
• Psalm 23 - Part 4 - Valley of the Shadow of Death
• Psalm 23 - Part 5 - A Table in the Presence of My Enemies
• Psalm 23 - Part 6 - Anointed Head, Overflowing Cup
• Psalm 23 - Part 7 - Goodness and Mercy Follow Me
• Psalm 23 - Part 8 - Dwell in the House of the Lord

Psalm 23 - Part 2: Green Pastures and Still Waters

 Often, I don't sleep very well.  I have a hard time getting to sleep, and I often wake up in the middle of the night and then have a hard time getting back to sleep.  One of the things I've found recently that helps me get back to sleep is to meditate on different excerpts from the Bible.  I've been rather fixated on the 23rd Psalm for a while (and my success rate of falling asleep after thinking about it has been pretty good), so I thought I'd do a series of posts on my thoughts on it.  This is part 2 of my 'meditations' on Psalm 23.  

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

My initial thoughts around this section of the Psalm centre around rest and food.  Its interesting that the very first thing David highlights in this Psalm that the Shepherd does for his sheep is related to rest.  A good thing to consider while I'm trying to go to sleep.  Stress and rest don't really go together.  A sheep can't get run away from predators fast from a lying down position, so there's an element of trusting the shepherd in the act of lying down.

I think we're a little spoiled with mattresses in our modern lives.  Shepherds and sheep had no such luxury.  A soft, comfortable place to lie down could have been hard to find in the middle east, unless you found a good sized, green piece of turf.

He's not making me lie down just anywhere.  Green pastures would be soft and cool.  They're also full of the best food (from a sheep's perspective) so I'm not concerned about what I'm going to be eating because its all around me.  God takes the stress out of my life, if I trust him.

He leads me beside still waters

Whenever I consider this phrase I have a picture in my mind of a creek/brook a foot or two below the level of the green pastures, with a smooth, waveless current.  The water is crystal clear and trees are scattered around the bank.  Something like this picture, except the banks aren't quite that tall:

The Good Shepherd leads me here!  I am:

• refreshed - the water is cool and flowing over me, 
• cleaned - the water current gently washes the dirt off of me, and 
• my thirst is quenched.  

What I can't connect

So here's the disconnect in my head...  These green pastures and still waters, where did David find them in Israel?  When I go to Google Maps and look at satellite and street views of different places there around Bethlehem where David grew up, I can't find green pastures and still waters.  Not easily anyway.  Was David wistfully imagining this place in his mind, or was the pedosphere (skin of the earth) in Israel different back then?  I don't have an answer to that question, but its definitely something I think about.  

A river in a desert is almost a contradiction of terms.  Water is precious and in most places in the bible people had to dig wells to get to it.  Then they had to haul it home for cooking, washing, cleaning, etc.  It was a significant chore back then, yet we don't consider much these days in developed countries because of our access to water.  We can turn on a tap and there it is.  For a shepherd in David's time and place, having access to a clear, still steam of water would be tantamount to gold.

These questions aside, I take much comfort though thinking of the Good Shepherd making me lie down in green pastures and leading me by still waters.

Other posts in this series:

• Psalm 23 - Part 1 - The Lord is My Shepherd
• Psalm 23 - Part 3 - Restoration and Righteousness
• Psalm 23 - Part 4 - Valley of the Shadow of Death
• Psalm 23 - Part 5 - A Table in the Presence of My Enemies
• Psalm 23 - Part 6 - Anointed Head, Overflowing Cup
• Psalm 23 - Part 7 - Goodness and Mercy Follow Me
• Psalm 23 - Part 8 - Dwell in the House of the Lord

Psalm 23 - Part 1: The Lord is My Shepherd

 Often, I don't sleep very well.  I have a hard time getting to sleep, and I often wake up in the middle of the night and then have a hard time getting back to sleep.  One of the things I've found recently that helps me get back to sleep is to meditate on different excerpts from the Bible.  I've been rather fixated on the 23rd Psalm for a while (and my success rate of falling asleep after thinking about it has been pretty good), so I thought I'd do a series of posts on my thoughts on it.  I hope you find them interesting.

'The Lord is my Shepherd...'

I wonder... 'was it a big deal for David to think of God as his shepherd?'  His family, his tribe, and his nation at the time wouldn't even spell the vowels of God's name out of reverence.  Was David perhaps pushing some boundaries with the analogy of his God, his family's God, his tribe's God, his nation's God as a shepherd?  I don't think shepherds were considered the pinnacle of Israeli career development at the time.  I can hear people saying now: 'How can a shepherd be considered wise or intellectual?  They hang out with sheep all day!'  So I'm curious if someone in David's time heard this song (or psalm), and thought: 'Wow, David's going to get some pushback from the religious establishment on this metaphor.'

Shepherd with Sheep - Photo by Biegun Wschodni on Unsplash

But God meets us where we are at, and David understood this.  So David didn't have a problem visualizing God as his shepherd.  As a shepherd himself, this is what David could relate to.  He must have cared for his sheep to have written a psalm like this, likely based off of his experience as a shepherd.  

Jesus didn't have a problem with identifying himself as a shepherd either.  Interesting that He never said 'I am the good carpenter, or the good fisherman.'  He intentionally proclaimed: 'I am the good shepherd, and my sheep know my voice...'  He isn't a shepherd that just shows up for work and does his job - a mercenary, contractor, or hired hand.  He is a good shepherd, ready to lay His life down for his sheep. He is intimately aware of the foibles and idiosyncrasies of the sheep in his flock, and ready to guide them, give them what they need.  

Update Dec, 30, 2023
A shepherd is responsible for his sheep - for their safety, their well-being, ensuring they get the sustenance and shelter they need, etc.  To me this first phrase implies that when I put my trust in God, He in turn, makes himself responsible for me.  And could you find a more responsible entity in the universe?  

'... I shall not want.'

Its interesting how this phrase is part of the opening sentence of Psalm 23...  'The Lord is my Shepherd (consequently) I shall not want.'  In my mind (you can disagree if you like), this provides a context for the rest of the statements made in the Psalm 23.  Since God is my Shepherd, here are the things I don't have to concern myself with anymore.... and David goes on to list them.

I like to read The Message version of the Bible.  It gives a modern twist/taint on what is written there that I appreciate, and sometimes provides me with a perspective I hadn't considered before.  For example, I was reading 'the love chapter' in 1 Corinthians 13 one day, and the middle phrase of verse 4 popped out at me:  '...love doesn't want what it doesn't have...'  I think the original translation is 'love is not jealous', but I thought this was an interesting take on jealousy, lust, and necessity.  The way I read it is more like '...love doesn't care about or isn't concerned with what it doesn't have....'  It provided me with a new lens to read Psalm 23 with.  God is my shepherd and God is love.  As a child of God, I should be full of love, too.  1 John 4:7,8.  And if I'm full of love, I shouldn't be wanting, lusting after, or concerning myself with things I don't have or don't need.  Rather, I should be satisfied and content.  

Great musings, but for me to live like that is, well, let's just say I'm not there yet. 

Other posts in this series:

• Psalm 23 - Part 2 - Green Pastures and Still Waters
• Psalm 23 - Part 3 - Restoration and Righteousness
• Psalm 23 - Part 4 - Valley of the Shadow of Death
• Psalm 23 - Part 5 - A Table in the Presence of My Enemies
• Psalm 23 - Part 6 - Anointed Head, Overflowing Cup
• Psalm 23 - Part 7 - Goodness and Mercy Follow Me
• Psalm 23 - Part 8 - Dwell in the House of the Lord

May 12, 2020 Feeling Sidelined? Consider Leah

Journal Entry - May 12, 2020

Read about Jacob yesterday and thought about it when I woke up last night.  Actually I started thinking more about Leah. I couldn’t help but notice the contrast in how she named her children compared to how Rachel named hers.  She could have easily named her first son 'Vindicated' like Rachel named her first son.  But she didn’t. Instead the names of her boys are more like ‘God sees’, ‘God hears’, ‘God touches’, ‘Praise God’, ‘Lucky’, and ‘Happy’ while Rachel’s boys are ‘Vindicated’, ‘Fight’. Etc.  Leah must have felt unloved/unfavored by Jacob all her life, yet she seemed to see God's involvement, care, and understanding in her life if the names of her boys are any indication. 

(updated June 1, 2023)

Where did Leah learn about God?  Perhaps from Jacob's story of running for his life from Esau and meeting God at Bethel?  Genesis 29:31,32.  "When God saw that Leah was unloved..."  God sees!  He recognizes when we are overlooked, unloved.  And there is a blessing in that!  "...He enabled her to conceive..."  Leah then acknowledged God in that blessing, in the names of her kids.  How could Jacob ignore that?  Every time he called one Leah's boys he had a reminder that God was with them.  She may have been unloved, but she was still an influence in Jacob's life!  An influence he couldn't ignore and I believe he acknowledged in Genesis 35:3 

When Jacob's clan was meeting Esau, Jacob put Leah and her boys ahead (as a protective buffer?) of him and Rachel   Meanwhile Rachel had idols she stole from her father with her on the camel.  I thought this was a rather interesting contrast in who Jacob's two wives seemed to trust.  Leah seemed to depend on God, Rachel felt more secure with her father's idols.  

Jacob also gave Joseph, Rachel's son, second last in the traditional line of inheritance, the first born son's inheritance.  This bypassed all Leah's sons who were older than him.  Leah was, fortunately I think, dead by this time.  Even at the end of his life, Jacob still appeared to favour Rachel.  I'd like to think God had a little different perspective on it all.  Consider this: The line of Kings of Israel, including King David and ultimately Jesus came through Judah (Leah's son), not Joseph (Rachel's son). 

(updated July 1, 2023)  

I just realized today that in Genesis 49, Jacob (in Egypt) asked to be buried with his fathers and Leah - not with Rachel.  Rachel did not get buried with the rest of the family and Jacob specifically calls that out here, at his death.

In this meditation of mine, I felt God encourage me...  Have I felt like I've been in a rough/challenging situation for a long time?  Like Leah?  Like Job? Like David (with the promise of a throne but running from Saul for years)?  Like Paul (with the thorn in his flesh)?  God is using that situation to sharpen me, hone me, refine my character for Him.  He sees.  He hears.  He cares.

  

I thought I'd look and see if I could find some other journal entries of mine where I felt 'sidelined' or 'passed by'.  Here they are:

January 25, 2018

I slept poorly again last night. Thinking about what i should do in my position at work - what I’m not doing that I should. I constantly this unspoken pressure from others with an agenda to do something else (actually, more than once it’s been a spoken pressure with a specific person). I had some ideas how to resolve this, but after that ‘sleep’ last night, I’ve got nothing. Maybe that’s the way God wants me - completely empty and void of anything good I could offer in and of myself. It would only be grumpy me at this point.

Ugh. Worship practice tonite with church. I came home exhausted and frustrated with God because I just feel totally sidelined and a bit whipped - like I get all the wrong attention. ‘Do it this way’ from three different people at practice. I’m tentative on drums because these builds are too long in my opinion and I don’t know when they are going to stop. The young people on the team are ‘it’. Us older people are good for serving, and that's about it... it’s rather frustrating. To sit back and let others lead and they can’t even follow the click without me. I was kind of hopeless when I got home. Just wondering what I’m doing. It’s more stressful than fun. It just seems like I’m hoeing a really hard row right now. Learning humility, again. People at work aren’t convinced and happy with what I’m doing. With music its the same. I was pretty much at the end of my rope and God lead me to Job chapter 7. I could TOTALLY relate to that. Particularly verses 17 and 18. I’m being refined and nope it’s not comfortable and I have idea if this is going to lead anywhere good. But it’s comforting to know that Job felt the same and that God is testing me. Job 23:10.

May 2, 2017

This cold I've been fighting with for the past week is getting to me. Last night was rough. It seems when I get tired it takes advantage. I was tired and frustrated at work yesterday afternoon. I want to provide value, but my boss doesn't want me to experiment much with the infrastructure it seems. All the stories in the sprint are taken up. I felt like dead weight and sidelined...  again. A week after I turned down that great TCPL contract. How frustrating. 

Job 23:8-10 “I go east, but he is not there. I go west, but I cannot find him. I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden. I look to the south, but he is concealed. But he knows where I am going”  

Can I worship God when I don't feel great and things look frustrating?  Worship is not about getting a feeling.  

With All of My Heart....

My thoughts have often been drawn towards the theme of Galatians 6:7 lately.  "Do not be mislead - you cannot mock the justice of God.  You will always harvest what you plant."  In the IT industry, there's an adage that follows a similar notion, and it goes like this: "Garbage in, garbage out."  Simply put, with a week of practice I can't expect to sing and sound like Adam Levine.

I've been inspired in the last couple of years to 'do better' - to actually prepare for things I do in life so that I can do them with all my heart.  Like David in Acts 13:36, I'd like it said of me that 'he served God's purpose in his generation.'

Volunteering for me used to be more like 'filling a position.'  Some group needed someone to do this over here - fine, I could do that, but I don't think I could have said I always did it with all my heart.  I played piano in our small town church when I was in high school.  My Mom played the organ, and often my Dad led the singing.  Reflecting on this now, I'd say probably 85% of the time when I played I did it because it was expected of me.  My heart wasn't entirely into it.  We didn't practice the songs much.  Some Sunday mornings I was a little groggy.  The results reflected that.

My Inspirations
I have three groups of people who currently inspire me to do whatever I do with all my heart:

• My kids.  My teenage son plays drums and guitar quite well.  He's played with the worship band at school for 5 years.  Last summer he started playing with the bands at church.  He's always practiced on his own (we've never had to tell him) and he practices until he nails the song just like the recording.  I never used to do this, I've always gradually improved as a musician.  To some degree I think we inspire each other now...  He definitely inspires and challenges me with his 'next level' dedication to practice and perfection.
  My daughter who is a senior in university writes enjoys writing thought provoking papers for her classes.  She struggled with mono last spring but got the highest grades and the most scholarships from that draining semester where her immune system was fighting hard all the time.  She was also concurrently preparing for her wedding.  Additionally, she got promoted to a supervisor position at her part-time university job because of her diligent work.
• The Pastoral Staff at our Church.  They definitely inspire me with their desire for more of God, and the lives they live in and out of the church.
• The Staff at Bearspaw Christian School.  Their desire to educate the next generation in excellence motivates me.  The teachers volunteering with teams after school are into what they are doing heart and soul and that pushes me to be better in my communicating, educating, and preparation for volunteering I do.

Validation
One thing I noticed when I do something with all my heart - I sometimes still have a need for validation...   When I was younger, this need was more powerful and encouragement was almost intoxicating.  Lately, I'm finding that I'm more caught up in trying to be the best 'whatever' that I can be, and I actually get surprised by compliments - not expecting them sometimes.

My kids, downtown Calgary, 2019

Thoughts on Sin (2011)

What is your definition of sin?

Mine, without getting too deep in thought or prose, was 'Something I did wrong that made God sad.' Sin is disobeying God.  Its doing what you weren't supposed to do, or, doing what you were told you

shouldn't do.  Many of us have a set of 'rules' in our minds that we follow - call them morals, your conscience, etc.  If we cross those boundaries, we feel guilty inside.  To me, crossing those boundaries equates to sinning.

But is it really sinning?  What does God define as sin?  I've had some challenging questions cross my mind on this lately, and I'll pass them on to you.

Sampson is a great hero of the Old Testament in the Bible.  Even before he was born, his parents knew he was going to be special. An angel visited them and commanded that he was to be raised a Nazarite.  Nazarites had even more stringent rules to follow that the Israelites.  They weren't allowed to cut their hair, eat or drink anything that came from a vine, and they had to avoid contact with dead bodies - in addition to all the other rules found in Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy!  Nazarites were hard-core!  This is the way Sampson grew up.

The interesting thing is, the very first thing that Sampson does as he begins his exploits is take a Philistine wife.  This was a definite no-no according to God's law.  Yet Judges says in 14:4 that "Sampson's father and mother didn't realize that the Lord was behind the request, for God was setting a trap for the Philistines, who at that time were the rulers of Israel."

Interesting.

Sampson was certainly no shining example of how to live a life for God. Looking at the account of his life in Judges, one could easily conclude that he violated his Nazarite vow and God's laws on a number of occasions, was controlled by sensuality, and used his gifts and abilities unwisely.  Yet, in the faith chapter in Hebrews 11, Sampson is called one who "...trusted in God and ...received what God had promised."  So how do I reconcile the things he did during his life with his calling, and what I find in Hebrews 11?  How come God's opinion of Sampson (I would say that is what we find in Hebrews) is what it is?

Continuing to ponder...

Another example.  We all know a lot about the story of David, so I won't go into it in detail.  But consider what David does when he's chased by Saul.  In 1 Samuel 21, David goes to the city of Nob to see Ahimelech, the priest. David lied when the priest asked about why David was there, and then David took the Bread of the Presence for his men to eat.  This was consecrated bread which only priests were supposed to eat.  Technically two sins: the lie, and taking/eating the bread.

Curiously, Jesus used this story about David as an example when his disciples were accused of breaking the law (sinning) because they were picking grain on a holy day, the Sabbath.  Madeline L'Engle in her book Sold Into Egypt, made a comment referencing this circumstance, which in turn, served as the catalyst for the compilation of thoughts in this post.  She said, "Jesus was sinless not because he didn't do wrong things:  he broke the law, picking corn, for instance, on the Sabbath."  L'Engle goes on to say, "Jesus was sinless because He never for a moment separated from the Source."

There is an interesting verse in Paul's book to the Romans.  He makes quite a simple statement actually, saying (14:23) '..whatever is done without faith is sin.'  So if I truly believe I should do something, I'm all good.  But believing isn't enough.  I actually need to DO it.  James 4:17 says: "Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin."  Its a faith/conscience mindset as well as trying to stay in constant contact (communion) with God.  I have to trust that His Spirit of Truth will lead me into all truth.  Trust that God will continue to hold me in His hands even when I make inadvertent blunders that others could consider 'sin.'

I sometimes seem to ignore/tolerate certain 'wrong things' like lying, and eating bread you weren't supposed to.  A discussion like this maybe isn't such a big deal.  Change the context of the conversation a bit, and suddenly this discussion takes on a whole new perspective....

What about abortion?   What about gay marriage?  Do people choose to do these things even when they know they are wrong?  Is it still wrong when they believe its the right thing and they don't know any different?  Am I sinning by judging them?

Honestly, I haven't thought all that through.   Its definitely good food for thought.  There's a lot I haven't covered here.  Wrapping it up, Paul says in Romans "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."  That includes me.  I need to receive AND extend God's grace and forgiveness.  And I need to trust that He will show me the things He wants me to do, and the things He wants me NOT to do....  and then be obedient.  Easier said than done sometimes.

The Omniscience Paradox (Journal Entry Dec 2018)

Bear with me - I'm going to write down all my questions BEFORE I google and try and find the answer, as I think my current lack of an answer helps me write the questions better.

I've been struggling with my faith a bit lately - asking more difficult questions.  At least they are more difficult for me.  I only have one year of bible college and I've never taken a hard-core theology or philosophy course in my life, so keep that in mind and humour me.  Here's an example of one of the 'questions' I struggle with.  I call it the 'Omniscience Paradox.'  I'll need to frame it with a bit of a story to help you understand where I'm coming from....

My daughter is spending this Christmas break with her fiance in Cincinnati, OH.  She had a bit of a cold before she left, so we were a bit concerned as we had to get up at 5am for her first flight and she'd be 'on the road' for about 12 hours.  Originally she was going to stay with friends, but a couple of days ago they discovered that the room she was going to stay in was infested with bedbugs, so that wasn't an option.  Christmas holidays being what they are (family time, etc.) her Mom and I felt most comfortable renting her a self contained Airbnb apartment for her time there.  This put us out a fair bit of cash, but as any parent knows, you can't put a price on things like your daughter's safety and well-being.

Imagine then our disappointment when after travelling for 12 hours, our daughter gets to the

apartment to discover the landlord has just shampooed the floor and furniture that morning (less than 12 hours before, and the carpet and furniture are still damp and there's heavy condensation on the windows.  Sure, its nice that they cleaned everything so thoroughly, but since she has a cold, we're concerned about her well-being.

As a parent, I'm tempted to send a message to the landlord and say something like: "What were you guys thinking?!  She comes to this after 12 hours of travelling and what? Is she supposed to rent a room for the first night or two while everything dries out?  If she catches pneumonia, this won't be the last you'll hear of me!"  My ultimate problem in this scenario?  I'm not in control and I don't know what is going to happen.  The future is unknown to me.  My daughter's well-being is at stake.  I'm up at 3am writing this because I was concerned thinking about her and realized I need to trust God in this situation.  I have to exercising faith and hope that everything is in His hands, praying that His kingdom will come and His will will be done in and through this situation.

Here's where the 'omniscience paradox' comes in.

As Christians we believe that God is omniscient (all-knowing), and omnipotent (all-powerful). I guess my question, in a nutshell is this:  Is ALL of God omniscient and omnipotent, or does He withhold a part of Himself from being omniscient and omnipotent?  Here's where that question comes from....

If I was God and omniscient and omnipotent and my daughter was in this situation, I wouldn't be worried or concerned for a couple of reasons:  I'd know exactly what the future holds, and frankly it wouldn't be an issue because if there was a problem I'd just fix it because I'm all powerful.

The 'omniscience paradox' in my mind - Does God really know what 'faith' and 'hope' are if He's omniscient?  If He's omniscient and omnipotent, why does he need faith or hope?  Everything is already known and available to Him.  To me, that's a paradox.  One cannot be omniscient AND know (experientially) what faith or hope is at the same time.... can they?

* * * * *

Before I google and see what other people have to say about this (as I'm sure someone else has thought about it before), I have a couple of thoughts on an answer....

1. Originally I considered that perhaps Jesus was the 'part of God' where God allows Himself to be not fully omniscient or omnipotent, so that he could say he's 'acquainted with our griefs and sorrows.'  I can't quite grasp how He can fully understand how we feel when He already knows the outcome to everything.  The Bible says a couple of interesting things that seem to point in different directions here:  Col. 2:10 "For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in bodily form", and then what Jesus said himself in Matt. 24:36, Jesus talking, said "But that day and hour no one knows, neither the angels, nor the Son, but only the Father."  So... perhaps Jesus is the part of the Trinity that isn't fully omniscient?  
2. I wonder if one of the reasons God wanted to create us (as humans) was so He could experience faith and hope.  Because He's given us free will, He has to 'hope' that we'll all return to Him in the end, and have faith in us believers that we'll do His work until then....?

Having said all of that, ultimately the theology and philosophy are secondary to me.  In my mind, experience trumps both of those.  My daughter had an experience yesterday while travelling that makes it all worthwhile....

She was very nervous about travelling because she gets bad vertigo and on the last trip to Cincinnati there was a fair bit of turbulence.  She was a bit 'undone' the night before the flight - concerned about flying, the connection (it wasn't a direct flight), not feeling 100%, etc.  So we all prayed together about the trip.  As it turned out, she really enjoyed the trip, talking with people, and there was no turbulence.  On the second flight she got a whole row of seats to herself and other than feeling tired, she felt quite well once the trip was complete.  We all saw this as God's answer to prayer.

Denial & Forgiveness - From Peter's Point of View

Our small group has been working through Francis Chan's book 'Crazy Love'.  As my wife and I were preparing for Chapter 4 - The Profile of the Lukewarm, we were discouraged.  It's a pretty convicting chapter, with lots of attention on verses like Luke 12:16-21, Amos 6:1, and Matthew 7:21.  Francis does warn the readers that it was the hardest chapter of the book for him to write.  I was rather frustrated with Francis after reading it, thinking: "How hard is it to put together a bunch of verses and take a hardline approach?"  Some advice here - Please don't read Chapter 4 and put the book down.  Francis does back up what he's saying in other chapters - there's 'real-living' behind where he's coming from.  Additionally, we were reminded of the context of the book - how these life choices and decisions need to come from a place of abandoned love for God and not from fear or guilt.

I was still concerned how small group would go...

We ended up having a great discussion.  I actually felt like God spoke to me (a bit of an 'ah-ha' moment) towards the end of the group.  One scripture I couldn't seem to let go of was Matthew 10:32-33 "Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.  But whoever disowns me (denies me) before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven." 

I was thinking about Peter...   Jesus had called him from a life of fishing to being a disciple.  For three years, Peter had listened to Jesus say truths like this, and watched Jesus do miracles.  Three years is a good chunk of one's life, and Peter thought he was committed.  He believed he had given everything up.  He told Jesus he would 'never fall away' in Matt. 26:33.  Jesus replied saying that Peter would in fact fall away that very night AND disown Jesus three times!  Peter again disagreed.

Then, less than 12 hours later it actually happened.  How must Peter have felt, considering Matt. 10:32-33 above?   Matthew says 'he wept bitterly.'  I know if it was me, I certainly would have spent a lot of time over the next hours and days replaying the whole scenario - realizing that I didn't really know myself.  How could I say one thing so strongly and then relatively quickly turn around and do another?  I'd also wonder what would happen if I ever saw Jesus again... how would I feel, what would I do, but ultimately what would He say and do?

Its the next part of the story that really got me thinking....

In John 21, Jesus had risen from the dead and he had appeared to the disciples, the disciples ended up fishing...  all night, with nothing to show for it.  Jesus shows up and tells them to cast their nets over to the other side of the boat.  When they do, the nets are so full they can't pull them in and they realize it's Jesus on the shore.  What's interesting at this point is what Peter does.  Without hesitation, he leaves his buddies struggling with the nets of fish and swims ashore to see Jesus.

I almost sure that is NOT what I would have done.  I probably would have stayed with the guys, finished the work, and then, once on shore, taken Jesus aside and talked with Him sheepishly.

Peter didn't do that, which tells me he knew something about Jesus that I'm missing....  Something I'm not understanding from my reading of the Bible.

Peter pretty much lived with Jesus for 3 years.  He heard Jesus say all kinds of radical things about uncompromised commitment.  And yet when he blew it (and he blew it, big-time), he didn't cower or put on false humility and stay distant - he went straight to Jesus without ANY hesitation.  For this kind of reaction, Peter must have been convinced of several things:

• Jesus knew and understood who Peter was... and as a result,
• Jesus would accept him with open arms and forgive him
• In all the things that Jesus said, there was an undercurrent and/or foundation of love (that we miss in just reading about the situation).  

John 1:14 says, 'The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.... full of grace and truth."  Its easy to focus on the 'truth' when you read the gospels.  There's definitely some hard-hitting truth there.  I personally sometimes miss the grace.  Jesus was full of truth AND grace at the same time.  I think Peter knew that, and that's why he was so keen to talk to Jesus again.  What a moment that must have been.  

Meditating on this story since small group this week has been encouraging for me.  I hope this is encouraging for you, too.

Balance in my Life

I just finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan a couple of days ago.  My wife and I are going to be leading a small group based on the book, so this was a reading exercise in 'advance preparation' for that.  I hadn't previously read the book and it honestly went a

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

different direction that I thought it was going to go.  Its going to be an interesting small group this fall!  :-)

I had no problems with the first couple of chapters.

However, starting with chapter 4 'Profile of the Lukewarm' and moving onto chapters 5 & 6 'Serving Leftovers to a Holy God', and 'Your Best Life.... Later', I started to get unsettled.  Francis was saying great things - stuff I actually think about quite often - and I began to wonder about him, and about myself, and doubt my salvation...   Well, not quite, but almost.  It shook me up enough that I did a quick study on the whole 'Once saved, always saved' issue.  I had no idea that was such a contentious issue for some people.  See a great discussion on it I found here

Fortunately, I pushed through and finished the book because Francis provided the balance that I needed to hear in his last couple chapters.  I get easily motivated to do things like 'sell the house, quit my job, and move to India and build an orphanage' after reading chapters 4, 5, and 6.  Chapter 10 brought me back to 'centre', and I loved this paragraph:

"Most of us use 'I'm waiting for God to reveal His calling on my life' as a means of avoiding action.  Did you hear God calling you to sit in front of the tv yesterday?...  the point isn't that watching tv is wrong, but that we are quick to rationalize our entertainment priorities but slow to commit to serving God."

Considering all of this, how do I work out my salvation and my calling to serve God with 'fear and trembling', and yet cultivate a relationship with Him that motivates me to serve Him?

• Trust God to show me the right way.. and validate it by keeping an eye on the fruit in my life...  Are my choices bearing good fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, etc.)?  
• Remember the things He's doing in and through my life here and now and stop comparing myself with others!  
• Balancing my 'calling' with my 'responsibilities'.  I felt for years that I was not using my music ability to its full potential.  Family responsibilities got in the way.  When I brought the problem and my frustration to God, after a while He directed me to use my music in ways I hadn't thought of before (outside of a church in a hospital & and school) that were super meaningful to myself as well as to people on the receiving end, and I didn't have to shirk family responsibilities.
• Remember that God has perfect balance - while He's motivating us with the messages to the seven churches in the book of Revelation, He's ALSO drawing us to Himself with encouragement like Ephesians 1:4: "Long before He laid down the earth's foundations, God had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His Love."
• Remember the balance between Doing & Being (I wrote about that recently here)
• Remember that Jesus came to the earth "...full of grace and truth."  John 1:14.  Pastor Rick said this to me some time ago and I've never forgotten it.  Balance in grace and truth.  Not just balance, but FULL of both at the same time!  How does that look?  What was Jesus like for John to have written that? 
  The fact that Jesus and others in the Bible (John in Revelation) used fear as a tactic in their messages to motivating people to change has bothered me for some time.  But when I consider that through the context of John 1:14, it changes.  Jesus was full of grace as well.  God speaks and He allows us to hear what we need to hear, if our hearts are humble and open.  

Doing or Being?

I had the title and some notes for this post written down, but when I went to actually write it, something else came out.  You can read about it here.  It is kinda related to this post, but they are quite different, so I'm going to try and write 'Doing or Being' now, here.

Both posts started out with pretty much the same opening paragraph....

I usually take a bit of a break from volunteering over the summer because I'm pretty busy over the course of the school year.  However this summer, our church was needing some help with music (people going on vacation, etc.) and I felt God telling me to help since we had no major vacation plans.  Bible verses like 'Don't be weary in well doing...' Gal. 6:9, 'Cast your bread upon the waters...' Eccl 11:1, and the idea of 'scattering seed' Matt. 23 kept bouncing around in my head.   I agreed to help, and ended up being busy almost all summer - either playing or leading.  I don't take these commitments lightly - there's practice and preparation involved before each week.  For the most part, I enjoy doing it.  After everything is over on Sunday afternoon, I'm wiped.  I think I'm getting older.

...and here the posts diverged....

Considering my 'tiredness' further, there's more to it than my advancing age as I'm not that old.  Two years ago I started working at a 'Start-Up' (new IT company).  They paid quite a bit less than I was used to getting remunerated as an IT contractor, so to supplement my income I used the majority of my vacation time to teach courses at SAIT.  As a result, I haven't had a significant vacation/break in a while, and I think I'm feeling it.

Photo by Evan Kirby on Unsplash

I've also discovered that I am more susceptible to getting depressed when I'm tired.  When Friday has rolled around lately, I'm not much good for anything except an argument... and that's no good.  And then towards the evenings on days when I'm quite tired my thoughts tend to head in a negative direction that cause me to pause when I reflect on them later.  Thoughts like....

"God, look at the things I've done for You!  Remember how I gave all of my life in the prime of my life for You?  And there's a potential that all my 'good works' will burn up in Your refiner's fire?  What am I doing this for, then?  How do I know I'm not wasting myself for nothing...."

Doing or Being?  This is definitely a challenge I've wrestled with for a long time.  The Bible has scriptures like the ones above that encourage us to 'DO.'  They seem to connotate several things:

1. You're actually doing something in each case.  Works - 'Well doing'....   'throwing bread'....  and 'casting seeds.'  
2. Time is involved - something easily forgotten in this context.  Time you could have been spending with family, or on vacation, or educating yourself further with your job, or just resting.
3. Hope is involved.  The sower isn't guaranteed that every seed will grow into a harvest.  Casting your bread on the waters doesn't guarantee a fish or a duck supper.  
4. Even more than hope, faith must involved.  I tend to get caught up in the task itself, comparing my work with others, and forget to apply faith.  As soon as faith leaves the picture, I get into that tizzy of thoughts above because throwing resources away doesn't make any rational sense.

The Bible says that 'without faith it is impossible to please God', and 'whatever is not of faith is sin.'  Chapters 3 & 4 of the book of Hebrews also talks about how faith helps us find rest in God.  I think part of the balance between Doing & Being (resting) is found in faith.  Listen to this from Hebrew 4:1-3:

"For as long, then, as the promise of resting in Him pulls us on to God's goal for us, we need to be careful that we're not disqualified.  We received the same promises as those people in the wilderness, but the promises didn't do them a bit of good because they did didn't received them with faith.  If we believe, though, we'll experience that state of resting.  But not if we don't have faith..."

The question for me then becomes: How to grow and maintain faith so when I actually 'do' things, my attitudes and thoughts don't go down the drain?

I can think of several ways:

1. Remembering that its not religion, but relationship.  Its not about doing things to get ahead or get in 'right standing' with God.  There's nothing I can DO to help that - He's done it all.  When I understand His heart for me and for the people around me, and I do things for Him from that position and context, He can work in me and through me - faith automatically becomes infused in what I do.
2. Reading the Bible and meditating on it.  The Bible says "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God" Romans 10:17.  I need to watch what I feed my mind with.  Its like eating and the old adage - you are what you eat.  In this case though, its what I choose to feed my mind and my spirit with.  Proverbs 15:14 says "A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while a fool feeds on trash."
3. Remembering what God has done for me.  When I remember that God has done things for me in the past - how He's moved in my life - I believe it keeps my faith alive and growing.  This was an important exercise for the people in the bible.  I'm trying to do that here.
4. I have to trust God.  Hebrews 12:2 says He's the 'author and perfecter of our faith.'  Its not the amount of faith I have that matters, its Who my faith is in and what He can do.  That's a comforting thought.

Worship This Summer (2018)

I usually take a bit of a break from volunteering over the summer because I'm pretty busy over the course of the school year.  However this summer, our church was needing some help with music (people going on vacation, etc.) and I felt God telling me to help since we had no major vacation plans.  Bible verses like 'Don't be weary in well doing...' Gal. 6:9, 'Cast your bread upon the waters...' Eccl 11:1, and the idea of 'scattering seed' Matt. 23 kept bouncing around in my head.   I agreed to help, and ended up being busy almost all summer - either playing or leading.  I don't take these commitments lightly - there's practice and preparation involved before each week.  For the most part, I enjoy doing it.  After everything is over on Sunday afternoon, I'm wiped.  I think I'm getting older.

The band's schedule was ironed out as the summer progressed, so I didn't actually know what my full engagement level and responsibilities would be over the course of the summer until the second week of August.  As summer began, I had been asked to lead the band earlier in July, which I agreed to.  I ended up getting a nasty cold at the beginning of July that hung on all through the month and wore me down a bit.  I could sing, but I tired easily.  After leading on July 15th, I wrote in my journal '...and while the band did well, I didn't think or feel like worship was anything special.  No one said anything about it.  So I let it go and was fine with never leading worship again at church.'

Several thoughts here:

1. We have a lot of good worship leaders at church.  I was a little surprised to be asked to lead, but I always try and do my best.  Writing that journal entry, I was more resigned to the fact that I'm getting older, maybe a bit out of date, and there is a new generation that is more motivated.  I was OK with letting go dreams and desires of being involved in church in the capacity of a worship leader - that is more what that written comment was about.
2. I read an interesting post on the 'Worship Leaders Collective' Facebook group this morning that went like this:
         Random church-goer: "I didn't really like worship today"
         Response:  "That's fine.  We weren't worshipping you"
   That's not meant to be a dig at any one individual or a group.  For me its a good reminder not to look at the outside response.
3. Its a bit disturbing how easily I throw out absolute thoughts and/or words like 'never'.  A similar word that my wife often catches me with is 'always'.  I think/speak in exaggerations like this to make a point, but I think sometimes they cross a line.  I need to be careful with what I say and think!

Ironically, a couple days after writing that journal entry, I was rather surprised when I got asked to help lead again - two more Sundays in August.  I agreed again.  With both of these I wasn't entirely sure what kind of band I'd be playing with as schedules were getting juggled, which added a bit to the burden.  In situations where things happen that are outside of my control, I've come to a point where I just commit everything to God and leave it in His hands.  I do my part and let Him take care of the rest.  If the mid-week rehearsal is cancelled because the sound guy is on holidays, I try to come more prepared on Sunday.  Even then, I later wrote in my journal after one of the services:  "I don't know if I've ever felt more inadequate before leading a worship service."  That's a good place to be though, given what Paul said in 2 Cor. 12:10.  "That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, ... in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

Its been amazing to me how God comes through when I let go and learn to trust Him.  I'm realizing that my perspective of 'how things went' is not something I should focus on.  God has His own way of using lyrics and words to impact His people... He places ideas and thoughts into people's minds based on their experiences - things I'd have no idea about - that end up having a greater influence and influence than I could ask or even hope to accomplish.

Its funny.  This post was supposed to be about 'Doing or Being' but I got totally side-tracked writing about something else.  Guess I had to get it off my chest.

Prayer Weeks

Our church is in for a dramatic change!  We're amalgamating with another church and getting a building.  Our first Sunday together is Sept 9th.  In preparation for that we've been having joint prayer meetings every night for the past two weeks.  I haven't been able to go every night, but I've gone to a number of these meetings and they've been good.  We've had a different focus every evening, (the harvest, social injustice, who God is, etc.) with a time of worship and personal reflection/preparation to start.

I felt like God spoke a couple of things to me during these prayer times.

1. A scripture that was used in one of the meetings was 2 Chronicles 7:14 'If my people,

   

   The trees in our backyard on a cloudy day

   who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and I will forgive their sin and heal their land.'  The phrase that stuck out to me that evening was 'seek my face.'  If I remember right, the Israelites in the Old Testament believed that if they saw God's face, they'd die....  so why would they want to seek His face?  Or why did He ask them to seek His face?  I thought it was an interesting irony, so when I got home I looked it up.  It turns out, 'seeking God's face' is more literally translated 'seeking God's presence.' 
       Being present in this moment for God.
   Last night I was struggling with just that.  Distracting thoughts kept coming.  When someone isn't physically present with you, its a faith exercise to 'stay present' with them.  One easy way I've found to manage this is to offer those distracting thoughts to God - just turn them into prayers.  I'm not sure why I didn't completely take advantage of it last night.  
2. It was windy yesterday and I was looking out our back window at the trees blowing in the wind.  It was also sunny out (the picture above was from a day later when it was cloudy) so the shadows of the leaves were dynamic on the ground to say the least.  The wind was so boisterous the phrase that came into my mind is 'the trees are dancing.'  And then I noticed all the different types of trees and how they moved in the wind.  The willow trees were moving vibrantly - whole branches were bending up and down.  Our neighbour's younger trees were leaning away from the wind in sweeping dips.  Our spruce tree, on the other hand, was wiggling stiffly, not making big sweeping motions.
   It struck me how, if the trees were people dancing, God would love and accept each of them and their dancing just the way He made them.  He wouldn't expect the spruce tree to move like the willows - they are made totally different.  I think its similar with us when I consider prayer and worship.  We're all made differently and we've experienced life differently.  We're going to pray and worship God in different ways.  I believe He accepts that.  I need to as well.  I shouldn't compare myself to others and think 'perhaps that's the way I should be praying'.  I also shouldn't compare myself to others and think 'Whew, at least I sang better than them.'  Little children don't compare - they don't give what they are doing a second thought.  They are just 'present in that moment.'  

God, help me to be present in this moment, for you.

May 24 - God is My Portion

I never really gave this phrase much thought.   I don't remember how it bubbled up recently in my thinking - either a youtube video I watched or a sermon I heard at church.  Its been sticking in my mind for the past 10 days or so now.

Lamentations 3:24 "The Lord is my portion," says my soul.  "Therefore I will have hope in Him."

Somehow this took on a new meaning for me -

• Anytime I feel like someone else got encouraged and I didn't - will I listen for God's encouragement?  Is He my portion?
• When I feel like I'm missing a nice vacation or sabbatical - is God's rest enough for me?  Is He my portion?
• When I see others promoted or get a fortunate break - will I trust in God's provision?  Is He my portion?
• When I feel like I'm lacking in motivation and purposeful work - will I believe that God made me for His pleasure?  Is He my portion?

Psalm 73:26 says "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"

Its been a good lesson and exercise for me this last few weeks.  I'm keeping a 'mental eye' on my thoughts, and when they start to get negative, I draw myself back to these verses and the idea that God is my all in all, my portion.  

God help me realize the aspect of Your character that I need to fill my life at that moment when I feel lack.