The band's schedule was ironed out as the summer progressed, so I didn't actually know what my full engagement level and responsibilities would be over the course of the summer until the second week of August. As summer began, I had been asked to lead the band earlier in July, which I agreed to. I ended up getting a nasty cold at the beginning of July that hung on all through the month and wore me down a bit. I could sing, but I tired easily. After leading on July 15th, I wrote in my journal '...and while the band did well, I didn't think or feel like worship was anything special. No one said anything about it. So I let it go and was fine with never leading worship again at church.'
Several thoughts here:
- We have a lot of good worship leaders at church. I was a little surprised to be asked to lead, but I always try and do my best. Writing that journal entry, I was more resigned to the fact that I'm getting older, maybe a bit out of date, and there is a new generation that is more motivated. I was OK with letting go dreams and desires of being involved in church in the capacity of a worship leader - that is more what that written comment was about.
- I read an interesting post on the 'Worship Leaders Collective' Facebook group this morning that went like this:
Random church-goer: "I didn't really like worship today"
Response: "That's fine. We weren't worshipping you"
That's not meant to be a dig at any one individual or a group. For me its a good reminder not to look at the outside response.
- Its a bit disturbing how easily I throw out absolute thoughts and/or words like 'never'. A similar word that my wife often catches me with is 'always'. I think/speak in exaggerations like this to make a point, but I think sometimes they cross a line. I need to be careful with what I say and think!
Ironically, a couple days after writing that journal entry, I was rather surprised when I got asked to help lead again - two more Sundays in August. I agreed again. With both of these I wasn't entirely sure what kind of band I'd be playing with as schedules were getting juggled, which added a bit to the burden. In situations where things happen that are outside of my control, I've come to a point where I just commit everything to God and leave it in His hands. I do my part and let Him take care of the rest. If the mid-week rehearsal is cancelled because the sound guy is on holidays, I try to come more prepared on Sunday. Even then, I later wrote in my journal after one of the services: "I don't know if I've ever felt more inadequate before leading a worship service." That's a good place to be though, given what Paul said in 2 Cor. 12:10. "That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, ... in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Its been amazing to me how God comes through when I let go and learn to trust Him. I'm realizing that my perspective of 'how things went' is not something I should focus on. God has His own way of using lyrics and words to impact His people... He places ideas and thoughts into people's minds based on their experiences - things I'd have no idea about - that end up having a greater influence and influence than I could ask or even hope to accomplish.
Its funny. This post was supposed to be about 'Doing or Being' but I got totally side-tracked writing about something else. Guess I had to get it off my chest.
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