Humble Pie - Trusting God's Plan

The Chosen

My wife and I have been watching The Chosen series for the second time now, and quite enjoying it.  Something that has struck both of us is the struggle that Peter, Nicodemus and Judas all have in coming to terms with who Jesus is and what that means to them.  Their preconceived ideas about Jesus' life and ministry causes each of them to wrestle...

• Peter, seeing so many healings happen, and yet confronting a personal loss where he perhaps felt entitlement to a miracle and didn't receive it;
• Judas, being good with numbers, people, and business, and yet confounded by what he considers a shocking lack of fiscal and political strategy in Jesus' choices; 
• Nicodemus, with high social, religious, and educational status, also being frustrated with where Jesus' ministry is heading

Watching them grapple with these issues got me thinking about my own struggles with humbly trusting God's purpose and plan in my life.

A Young Musician

I grew up in a small community with a small high school 120km from the closest city of 60,000 people.  This did not afford me with a great sense of perspective.  I played the piano for my church every week, and on certain special occasions I was asked to play the drums for our school ensembles as I was more proficient at certain beats than most people there.  Young and rather isolated, I got it into my head that I was 'the best young musician around.'  

Of course, being a teenager doesn't help.  There were many over-steps, words too quickly spoken, and big-headed thoughts entertained.  I remember being asked to leave my seat as a trombone player and cover the drums for a band festival/competition.  I was pretty proud of being asked, and pride comes before the fall.  In the middle of playing our song in the band competition, I dropped a drum stick.  I was the only drummer, and so I had to cover with the stick I still held while reaching down to pick up the stick a dropped - a situation the didn't go unnoticed by pretty much everyone.  Then later the next week I relived the experience as our band listened to the recording and adjudication of our playing, we all heard my stick clatter and bounce on the cement floor - my mistake saved for posterity! 

Several years later, with a bit more experience under my belt, I began to realize how many fantastic drummers there are - much better than me!  Talk about perspective shock.

Pride versus Humility

I struggled a lot with understanding what 'pride' and 'humility' were growing up.  I'm not entirely sure why.  Definitions are one thing, but practically knowing when I'd crossed the line into becoming prideful in a situation I often found (and still find) elusive.  I spent a lot of time examining my motives for things that I did.  I discovered in that learning journey that I could be 'falsely humble.'  Argh!

Over the years, I've come to understand there are certain thoughts I can have that are 'tells' that I might be struggling with pride in a situation.  They follow along these lines:

• I'm entitled to...something (attention, respect, an opinion, a raise/reward, being heard, etc.)
• I deserve...something (love, notice, a lot of the same things above, etc.)
• Compared to someone, I'm.... something (better, faster, more patient, more loving, more humble, etc.)

Through my mid-life decades, I wrestled with what I thought was God's call for my life, versus my actual career....  It was a persistent, nagging question:  God, is this really your plan for my life?  I'd often second-guess that where I was in my career was where God wanted me to be.  

As I got older, God helped me gain more perspective on my place in the world and a variety of other things.  I realized through several more 'lessons' that keeping a sober assessment of myself close by was healthy.  I started to rest and trust God more in the path in life he has given me. 

More Recently....

For the last 18 months or so, I feel like God's working on me in a different way - doing a bit of a make over.  Through a couple of different circumstances of life, mostly out of my control, I've been having to 'let go.'  Talents, relationships, and abilities that I (perhaps) have put too much 'trust' in are being taken away, called into question, or rendered obsolete.  It feels at times like I'm being 'unbuilt.'

When I consider this, a picture that comes into my mind is from C.S Lewis' novel The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  Specifically chapter 6, entitled 'The Adventures of Eustace.'  Up to that point in the book, he was jerk and uncomfortable with everyone.  Through a set of circumstances in this chapter he's turned into a dragon.  He then goes through a painful cleansing process of tearing the dragon skin off (unbuilding, to me) to become his 'real' self. 

Eustace the dragon crying tears of remorse

Maybe (likely) I'm being over dramatic.  :-)  I don't know where these changes are heading in my life - perhaps its a delayed mid-life crisis or a transition to the next phase of my life.  It definitely feels like there is a reconstruction/renovation happening, and its not super comfortable.  Like Peter, Judas, and Nicodemus I'm... perplexed with what appears to be happening.  But I want to trust that God knows what he's doing, and surrender to these changes.

Sober but Encouraging Thoughts 

I've had a good bit of time to consider this 'humble pie' that it feels like God is baking in me.   Some thought 'ingredients' that have been encouraging me on the way:

• Receiving God's Love.  I've been wondering - is there a correlation between humility and the ability to receive God's love? Consider the situation in Luke 7:36-50.  The pharisee Simon is contrasted with the sinful woman who washed Jesus' feet with her hair. Who felt (received) more love?  The one who was forgiven more... (the one who had a humbler heart)
• God is my portion.  When everything else is stripped off (like the dragon) - all my 'good works': my career, my family, my reputation, ministry, volunteering, writing - are refined in God's purifying fire, can I be content, and satisfied that He alone is all I need?  Psalm 16:5, Lamentations 3:24
• Job's story - Though he slay me, yet will I trust him.  Job 13:15.  Most people know Job's story.
• Jeremiah's story - Our pastor preached a great sermon on the book of Jeremiah.  In it he asks 'How did Jeremiah manage to persist in following God's call for his life when it meant Jeremiah's life and ministry would appear to have no tangible legacy or value?'  The three response points our pastor made in answering this question were:
• Jeremiah trusted that God had Jeremiah's best interests at heart.  Jeremiah 29:11
• Jeremiah was continually honest with God about how he felt.  Jeremiah 20:9 and the book of Lamentations
• Jeremiah rested in the sovereignty of God.  Lamentations 3:22-23
• The attitude and posture of a child.  They are open, humble, unassuming, trusting, unpretentious.  Jesus said, 'I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom.'
• James chapter 4.  If 1 Corinthians 13 is the 'love chapter' in the Bible, James 4 is the 'humility chapter' in my opinion.